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No Elves Were Seriously Injured in the Making of This Post
While writing my Top 5 Christmas Gifts I Better Never Receive post, I started to think about the top 5 Christmas gifts I would love to receive….practical gifts, gifts everyone should have, really. These are the gifts that someone gives you if they really give a shit. These are the gifts that no self-respecting elf would ever have a part in making. Unless he were a really cool, rebel elf. But then I don’t think he’d be an elf at all. There’s no way an evil elf could infiltrate Santa’s merry mancave workshop. Those happy little fuckers would smell the Lucifer elf before his little feet hit the frozen tundra. But I digress….back to the hard work I put in compiling this list so that you don’t fuck up my Christmas gift. *Sigh*….you’re welcome.
1. Zombie Survival Kit. At a mere $12.95, does this even require explanation? I want to survive a zombie attack, and so do you, I assume, so you should pick one up for yourself while you’re at it. Seriously, you do not want to be caught unawares when, not IF, there is an imminent zombie invasion. And the CDC recommends it for Christ’s sake!
This is a no brainer people!
2. How To Make People Think You’re Normal. $7.95, 93 pages and it’s a paperback – easy to bring into the john with you. Absolutely 100% worth the price. Plus, it gets you to read….like normal people do. I can’t wait for the bootleg movie to come out.
You don't have to actually BE normal, you just have to make people think you are.
3. SafeDrive Keychain Breathalyzer. $26.95. This shit is invaluable!! As you’re driving down the street and you see the po-po’s lights in your rear view, put down the cell phone, the cigarette and the drink and test your BAC right there before he gets to your window! Uh, or before you get behind the wheel, I guess…whatever you prefer. *GREAT STOCKING STUFFER*
I think it's supposed to be used as a deterrent.
4. Bacon Bandages. $3.99 to be able to look at bacon all day long?? Or at least until your stupid little paper cut heals? Uh, this is a steal people. If you’re a bacon lover, and who isn’t??….get these. *GREAT STOCKING STUFFER*
Adhesive meat. Only the best invention ever!
5. Dead Fred Pen Holder. $14.95. Fight stress by killing Fred over and over and over…..It’s like murder….almost. Or, uh, practice, I suppose. I think it even comes with little blood spatter evidence decals.
If you ever actually DO kill someone, get rid of Fred.
*HONORABLE MENTION/GIFT FOR ANYONE (Uh, NOT me)*
And for that hard to buy for and infected person in your life, The Herpes Plush Doll! As the ad states: “Breaking out is hard to do”….Make ‘em feel better, at least on the inside.
Herpes does not look happes
You can’t go wrong with any of these thoughtful gifts. Each and every one of them conveys just how much of an asshole special you think the recipient is. And really — isn’t that what the holiday season is all about?
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The Zombie survival kit would have come in handy on that snowy, winter night on the Taconic…lol
I bought Dave herpes last year. Oh yes, yes I did.
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Doing My Inner Drag Queen (semi) Proud
Watch out for any breath tester under about $150.00. They are mass products imports that frequently are not FDA approved (as they are supposed to be for sale in the US) and the technology used is not to be trusted for accurate or consistent readings from test to test. Use the cheap ones for stocking stuffers but not for trustworthy measurement. If you’re a serious user who wants a serious unit get one that uses the same technology as the cops do…Platinum fuel cell technology.
I want that Dead Fred pen. If the zombies come I will just send my three year old to deal with them. If they survive that, they can have me.
MidLifeMama´s last blog ..Maybe I’ll Get Voted Off the Island
That is fucking epic awesome.
Bacon bandaids. That is the shit but I would keep trying to eat my wounds. Maybe the zombie survival kit would help me. Or if I get herpes from the wound. I see how this is working. Maybe I am drunk now, let me see that keychain. Shit I am on a roll. This shows that I am not normal and need the book. Just one more. What you don’t like this. I will stab you. Oh look you got me the doll. Ok stabbing urge satisfied. And boom goes the dynamite… I am spent.
mepsipax´s last blog ..Taken Tuesday 2
I totally believe you Aunt Becky….that’s the problem. *sigh* LOL….Mama, that is SO funny….then they deserve to have you! Mepsipax….you are touched….seriously….lol
Whoa. Those bacon bandages? Whoa. I’m with pepsimax, no – mepsipax – on this one. I would love to eat my wounds. Do they smell like bacon too?
Love´s last blog ..The time I just barely escaped a good old fashioned waterboarding. Or something like that.