How incredibly arbitrary of you to keep only two lists: Naughty OR Nice. WTF? There’s no in between at all?? I know you must’ve come up with this whole “list” thing all by yourself because Mrs. Claus would never think in such black and white terms. I’d like to think that she’s way more liberal than that.

I mean, think about it – is everyone either Naughty or Nice? What if a person starts out as naughty and then becomes nice? Granted, it doesn’t seem logical, but it could happen. Do you have to switch them from one list to another? And then back again, should they fuck up again and end up on your shit naughty list? Seems like a lot of work to me. Unless you have a program that handles that sort of thing. Maybe a spreadsheet? That’s what I would suggest. Wouldn’t it be easier to just forgive the person their sin and keep them on the nice list, even if they do one little naughty thing? I mean, even Jesus forgives. And you guys seem to be in very similar industries. Are you in the same union? Ask him how he handles the whole naughty/forgiveness thing. I mean, he’s been using this practice for like thousands of years. He’s got to be doing something right. You’ve really gotta reevaluate this whole process.

Here’s an idea: What about an “I Tried Really Hard” list? Give the people some credit for their efforts for Christ’s sake! Positive reinforcement works! Ask Pavlov – he had that whole experiment with the dogs and rewarding them for their positive behavior – I’m tellin’ ya, try it. You can use this method for the reindeer too, I’ll bet. And don’t forget to give me the credit, okay? But what do you think? I’m sure most people will fall under this heading anyway. And it only adds one more list to the mix.

As it stands, I’m going to be on that third list. I’m just giving you a head’s up. I always end up on the Naughty list and quite frankly, I’m a little tired of it. Is it because I’m black? I mean, I really did try hard to be good this year. I should see something for my efforts, don’t you think? It’s positively exhausting trying to be Nice all. The. Time. I don’t think you realize this since you’re all jolly all the time. Again, ask Mrs. Claus, it’s got to be more of an effort for her. Tell her to email me, we’ll talk.

So, Santa, why don’t you make this year’s New Year’s Resolution this: You will start off the year with three lists (feel free to come up with as many lists as you want but I think you’d just be making more work for yourself, honestly) and see how you do. Use your judgment and don’t give the people too much leeway or else you’ll end up with lists that look like this:

Nice but ran over a cat and left it to die
Tried really hard but still stabbed the bitch
Was almost nice but then got drunk
Would’ve been nice had the motherfucker not cheated on her which then caused her to throw a brick into his windshield. (Not her fault – keep her on the Nice list)
Naughty but then turned nice because he wanted a favor
DID NOT SLEEP WITH THE PASTOR (Okay, Santa? Whoever (and I’m not saying any names here, ends up on this list should be given extra gifts for not disrupting the balance of the Universe). Collaborate with Jesus on this one if unsure.

Now I’m exhausted since I basically did your work for you which should entitle me to Naughty Immunity for like 5 years or something. You’re welcome.

P.S. My house will be the one with the Tequila and wings. (A little extra incentive never fails) MERRY CHRISTMAS BIG GUY!

Tagged with: Christmas cheer • Does the Grinch have a green penis? • I am your God • Merry Fucking Christmas • you're welcome

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 9th, 2009 at 4:35 pm and is filed under Total Randomness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.