I like to joke around (ya think?) and kind of tongue-in-cheek wonder why my kid is so freaking dramatic, when I know exactly from whence it came. I am guilty. I can’t help it. Just like some statements are better punctuated by a good “fuck” or “motherfucker” to get your point across, so also is a good story made better by a little drama. HOWEVER…..I cannot help it when drama finds me, or rather, when the smallest incident somehow evolves into a near death experience. These things happen, for real. How do you think reality shows are made?

It’s amazing how you can come as close to death as you’ll probably ever be and not only live to tell about it, but live to tell it about on several different occasions. I guess some of us just have those kinds of lives where exciting and dangerous things happen to them all the time (I don’t know any of those people). Like every day is an episode of Charlie’s Angels (or a reality show full of 30-somethings who think every day is an episode of Charlie’s Angels. How pathetic would that be…). For example….

BFF and I were almost killed…..  Read more...

That is, if anyone else were trying to score the same interview…then it’d be the interview of the year and all….but I don’t think my subject was being chased through tunnels by the paparazzi or anything…still and all, I interviewed Santa (he wasn’t all that merry OR cooperative) and you can read it in its entirety at The Naked Redhead….oh yeah, Santa Baby!

While writing my Top 5 Christmas Gifts I Better Never Receive post, I started to think about the top 5 Christmas gifts I would love to receive….practical gifts, gifts everyone should have, really. These are the gifts that someone gives you if they really give a shit. These are the gifts that no self-respecting elf would ever have a part in making. Unless he were a really cool, rebel elf. But then I don’t think he’d be an elf at all. There’s no way an evil elf could infiltrate Santa’s merry mancave workshop. Those happy little fuckers would smell the Lucifer elf before his little feet hit the frozen tundra. But I digress….back to the hard work I put in compiling this list so that you don’t fuck up my Christmas gift. *Sigh*….you’re welcome.

1. Zombie Survival Kit. At a mere $12.95, does this even require explanation? I want to survive a zombie attack, and so do you, I assume, so you should pick one up for yourself while you’re at it. Seriously, you do not want to be caught unawares when, not IF, there is an imminent zombie invasion. And the CDC recommends it for Christ’s sake!

2. How To Make People Think You’re Normal. $7.95, 93 pages and it’s a paperback – easy to bring into the john with you. Absolutely 100% worth the price. Plus, it gets you to read….like normal people do. I can’t wait for the bootleg movie to come out.  Read more...

How incredibly arbitrary of you to keep only two lists: Naughty OR Nice. WTF? There’s no in between at all?? I know you must’ve come up with this whole “list” thing all by yourself because Mrs. Claus would never think in such black and white terms. I’d like to think that she’s way more liberal than that.

I mean, think about it – is everyone either Naughty or Nice? What if a person starts out as naughty and then becomes nice? Granted, it doesn’t seem logical, but it could happen. Do you have to switch them from one list to another? And then back again, should they fuck up again and end up on your shit naughty list? Seems like a lot of work to me. Unless you have a program that handles that sort of thing. Maybe a spreadsheet? That’s what I would suggest. Wouldn’t it be easier to just forgive the person their sin and keep them on the nice list, even if they do one little naughty thing? I mean, even Jesus forgives. And you guys seem to be in very similar industries. Are you in the same union? Ask him how he handles the whole naughty/forgiveness thing. I mean, he’s been using this practice for like thousands of years. He’s got to be doing something right. You’ve really gotta reevaluate this whole process.  Read more...

Every year, it seems, there’s a “must have” gift, or a “must get” gift, I suppose, depending on who’s telling the story, and every year, it’s something I won’t buy simply on principle. I hate being told what to do in any given situation as it is, let alone how to line the pockets of corporate America. Not to mention, I truly believe commercials are subliminal attempts to mass hypnotize us.

Don’t you ever sit back and say WHY is that THE gift of the year? Who started pushing this item in the first place? How will it enrich my life? As an experiment, I’d love to be able to trace the origin of a particular “gotta have it.” Paranoid tendencies aside, I won’t buy whatever it is because of the manufactured mass hysteria over said item. Which….if you think about it, is kind of dumb, because what if it really would enrich my life? Like what if it were a humane childrens’ muzzle? Or an automatic tree ornament taker-off-er? I’d so buy that. But that’s not the point. The point is, I feel as if I’m being herded into buying it and they won’t get me….oh no….they will not get me. So, in honor of the stress and strife of the holiday season, my top 5 I-will-never-buy-just-because-and-feel-superior-for-not-doing-so list of gifts:  Read more...