I get hit on a lot. I can’t help it….I’m just walking around being me and BAM! There goes another one….some of these guys use some really great lines….ones that deserve an answer. Whether that answer is yay or nay, their creativity and cleverness is often rewarded with at least a response. But some are just so incredibly lame that it’s all I can do not to pat them on their head and send them on their silly way….then there are the ones who are so sure their shit is irresistible, that of course dubiousMa must set them straight..

Here, a sampling of the gas out there contributing to global warming if nothing else…

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet. Nope, that was my drop kick that caught you unawares. Need help getting up? (I CAN be a benevolent bitch)

I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you. And me without my shovel.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? Hmmm…that’s a tough one. There’s absolutely no reason to the line…no thought whatsoever went into it which presents us with a conundrum, as such:  Read more...

It’s that time of year again….when we post on Facebook and Twitter about how grateful and thankful we are for our blessed friends and plentiful bounties, while simultaneously wishing friends safe travel and warm hearths…..and all that bullshit. It’s my belief that if we really expressed what we were truly grateful for, the list would look somewhat different.

What We Should Really be Grateful For….

1. Cyber Monday. No crowds of unshowered people, screaming kids on leashes, adults in Santa hats…
2. Xanax and Ativan. Seriously. Washed down with a glass of wine.
3. Mini air horns you can carry on your person. Does this need explanation?
4. Stun-gun sales Why pay full price?
5. Internet porn. It’s just so much safer.
6. Chicken McNuggets Is there anything easier?
7. Duct tape. I’m just saying…..
8. Multiple personalities. There’s always one available to run to the store.
9. My little pug who loves me regardless…..of anything.
10. Spanx. Enough said.
11. Men with more brawn than brains. Too much talking will make me break out the bargain taser.

So enjoy people….regardless of what I say, have a happy and safe holiday. I can almost guarantee it if you heed numbers 2, 3, 4 and 5.

The thing is, sometimes shit just gets on my nerves. The things people say, the things they do, the things they wear, the awesomeness of everything, people who make commercials, the sun, the damn leaves….the list goes on and on.

* I hate the fact that after watching a commercial for Lay’s Potato Chips, I’m in the kitchen looking for chips….it’s all subliminal and shit and I feel totally manipulated and alarmingly violated.

* Kristen Stewart, the actress who plays Bella in the movie Twilight Saga: New Moon. Bitch, I’ve had it with your attitude. Now normally I’m all for a really well crafted bad attitude, but not when about a trillion Bella-wannabes are getting their parents to fork over the money to see the movie and buy the DVD and the toys and the bedding and the curtains, and the lunch boxes, and all the other Twilight licensed crap and some of that money finds its way into your skintight pocket. Lose the attitude little girl. If you didn’t want all the fame and fortune and people in your business, maybe you should’ve done a Lifetime movie and been done with it.

* Celebrities on Twitter. People like @maryjblige and @RevRunWisdom who tweet all day about loving yourself and realizing your potential and other non-celebrity type drivel. Really??

* How come when you have a boyfriend, a hundred other guys all want to know your name, but when you’re single, you couldn’t scare one up if you were standing next to one while naked with bacon strips covering your tasty cakes??  Read more...

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, I posted about this already, but here, in my own little dubious fiefdom, I’m going to expand upon it. A freaking pastor hit on me! Why is this such news you ask? Hi, I’m Michele…have we met??

Here’s what happened: I went into Dunkin Donuts this morning to get my medium pumpkin, light and sweet (not unlike myself on an off day) and boston cream donut and cheddar cheese bagel twist and as I turn to leave, this deep voice behind me goes “Have a good day.” Naturally I turned around because I’m a loser who craves any attention at all I hadn’t been involved in any conversation at the end of which “Have a good day” would have been appropriate or even welcome (I hate those daily platitudes). And who did I find myself face to face with? This tall, light-skinned, easy-on-the-eyes guy looking right at me. Let me take this opportunity to tell you, however, that he had really light eyes. An unnatural hazely kinda thing going on. I don’t know, they could have been his real eye color but he just seemed too dark to naturally have eyes that shade. And if those sweet hazel eyes were contacts, then he’s more vain than I am, that’s unacceptable in dubious Land and he must be destroyed eliminated as a potential suitor.

Anyway, I turn around and say “thank you” as cool as can possibly be, and almost ran into the glass exit door but not really which means that I’m twice the doofus because I almost ran into something that wasn’t even there. The woman who’d been the customer right before me was holding the door open for me but since I hadn’t been looking because I was too busy being alluring I didn’t know the door was already open and my arms just subconsciously went out in front of me to brace against the door that should’ve been closed but wasn’t, causing my entire body to kind of trip through an uncluttered doorway, and step on the back of the shoe of door lady. She was no longer amused at this point.  Read more...

Watching the Discovery Channel, I was struck by how awesome and cutting edge everything is. Discovery’s tagline Sunday night? “Sundays on Discovery are Awesome.” Remember when no one said “awesome?” When saying “awesome” meant you were a child of the 80’s living your life through the New Classics like “Sixteen Candles” on TBS every Saturday afternoon. When the Discovery Channel was where you went to find out how hot the earth’s core was and what type of shark you could be expected to be eaten by if you were either dumb enough or brazen enough to surf off the Hawaiian coast? In an ever changing world, we look to certain constants to balance our lives and when they change, it’s like the entire universe has been turned on its side.

Stop the Craziness

I can just picture some pop culturally challenged Michael J. Fox neurotic advertising suit type advising the National Geographic execs “Look, when people think of National Geographic, they think of wildebeasts running through the hot sands of the Serengeti and tribal women with really long tits. We have to be more awesome than that.” And so was born NatGeo, the channel. I still can’t really say “NatGeo” like I can say “TLC” or “Bravo” without sounding more than a little ridiculous and like I’m down with the whole awesome movement.  Read more...

So I’m reading through the new Glamour Magazine recently, and come across this article entitled “7 Reasons Guys Love You As Is” by John Ortved, and I have a total Eureka! moment. I started thinking about all of the hoops we women jump through to please guys, even though when asked, we’ll say “oh no, I do all those things for myself, not for him.” Really? Hmmm….

Do you shave your nether regions so meticulously that you almost pass out in the shower from having your head down for so long that when you eventually raise it you’re dizzy and slightly disoriented and almost lose your balance, listing sideways and grabbing for the shower curtain so that all of it, including you, ends up on the bathroom floor, bleeding and freezing? No? And do you not do this for your own benefit or his? So after all this clipping, shaving, mowing, waxing, exfoliating and the like, what do I read?

“I’ve never decided a night was over just because of the amount of pubic hair a woman had. Since I’m pretty much never, ever going to considering waxing myself, I would have to be a total jerk to expect anyone else to do it.”

That would have been nice to know before that last visit with the masochistic and bitterly single waxing chick at the salon.  Read more...